


Will you love me like you loved me and I'll never ask for more

by amazeballs



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, M/M, Not A Fix-It, Post-Avengers: Endgame (Movie), Sam Wilson Is a Good Bro, Self-Hatred, Suicidal Thoughts, bucky loved steve, this really isn't that happy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-11
Updated: 2019-05-11
Packaged: 2020-03-01 01:00:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,118
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18789817
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/amazeballs/pseuds/amazeballs
Summary: "He just doesn't deserve to be free."Jamie felt his hands tremble. He didn't deserve to be free.





	Will you love me like you loved me and I'll never ask for more

**Author's Note:**

> This is (sort of) based on [this](https://twitter.com/_superspicy/status/1125813870658969600) amazing artwork by one of my favourite artists on twitter! Go follow them: [@_superspicy](https://twitter.com/_superspicy).
> 
> Fic title is from Mary by Big Thief. A heartbreaking song, to be honest. Go listen to it hehe.
> 
> Anyways. This is gonna be real heavy on the angst, but with a tiny little light at the end of the tunnel. Read the tags, and don't read this if you think it'll trigger you. Please stay safe<3
> 
> With that, let's go.

_And my brain is like an orchestra_  
_Playing on, insane_  
_Will you love me like you loved me in the January rain?_

 

 

_Mary - Big Thief_

 

Bucky stared.

The small TV in the corner was on, broadcasting the news. Bucky tended to stay away from the TV and the papers, too scared to catch something about Sam dying. Or Wanda. He didn't want to hear from some stranger on the TV that something had happened in Wakanda. That Shuri and T'Challa were hurt. Killed. That he'd lost someone. Again. Bucky never wanted to lose someone again.

_Bucky._

That was what Steve called him. Steve was gone now. Sam called him Jamie. He said it was 'cause Bucky was a dumb name, but Sam had seen the  _look_ in his friend's eyes whenever someone referred to him as Bucky. Bucky was Steve's, and Steve was gone. So Jamie. Jamie it was.

Jamie stared.

The news was on. Sam was in the kitchen preparing lunch. Jamie was crying.

_Corrupted. Mind damaged. Dangerous person. Unstable._

They were talking about him. _Why didn't Captain Rogers give the shield to his childhood best friend?_ A lady and two men sat on a couch. The men were "experts" at Captain America. _Experts?_ Jamie wanted to scream at them. They never knew Steve. Or him. Or Sam. They didn't know why Steve did what he did. Not even Bucky knew. Not even Bucky understood. Who were these men to say that they had all the right answers?

But he didn't scream. Jamie stayed silent, mostly ignoring the fat tears rolling down his cheeks and making his face all red and sticky.

One of the experts said, _"Bucky Barnes doesn't deserve to be Captain America. He's a criminal, corrupted. He just doesn't deserve to be free."_

Jamie felt his hands tremble. He didn't deserve to be free. He was unstable. Dangerous. He didn't deserve Sam. Or Shuri. Despite Shuri's hard work, he was still damaged, still corrupted. Jamie gasped for a breath he didn't know he'd been holding it in. Everything felt frozen. Jamie couldn't move. He wanted to grab the remote and hurl it at the TV. He wanted to scream at them. He wanted to scream at himself. They were right. He was unstable.

Of course he didn't deserve the shield, he deserved _nothing_. Jamie wished Tony Stark would have killed him. He wished T'Challa would have. Or Natasha. He wished Zola's experiment had failed. The pain that would have spared the world. He could still do it. Maybe just... open the window and fall. Who would be left to grieve him anyway? Natasha was dead. Steve had left him. Sam would get over it, he'd move on. Maybe he wouldn't even care. His friends in Wakanda wouldn't care. He'd failed them. T'Challa and Shuri had taken him in, tried to save him but he failed them. Jamie was still corrupted. Still damaged and undeserving.

There was a hand on his shoulder. Jamie flinched.

"Jamie."

Slowly he turned his head to look at the person next to him. Sam. Who else?

The TV had been turned off, there were two plates of food on the coffee table along with a glass of water and a glass of Jamie's favorite juice.

" _Sam,"_ his voice came out raspy, trembling. Slowly Jamie could feel himself regaining his senses. He noticed the tear tracks on his face that never really dried because more tears just kept coming, the pain in his lungs from over and over again holding his breath, that sometime during his breakdown, he'd pulled his legs to his chest and curled into a ball. He felt small. Alone. So completely alone.

"What's wrong?" Sam asked. The soft tone of his voice made Jamie whimper. He didn't deserve to be treated kindly. Especially not by someone like Sam.

"They're r-right. I-I don't d-deserve this. _Y-you_. _Anything_. They should l-lock me up and throw away the key," on every other word, Jamie's voice broke. He could barely speak through his tears. Despite Sam sitting next to him, despite Sam holding his shoulder in a tight grip and looking at him with those soft, kind eyes, Jamie had never felt more alone. "Steve left me. And soon you will too."

"Why would I ever leave you, Jamie?" Sam asked, pulling Jamie closer and wrapping him up in his arms.

Jamie couldn't help himself. He buried his face in Sam's chest, knowing he'd get his shirt all wet from tears. But he just... He needed something. Comfort. _Anything_. Sam told him once that it was okay to want things. It was a good sign. Sam told him that he deserved nice things.  _Nice things._ Sam was a nice thing. A nice person. Jamie didn't deserve him. He deserved nothing.

Jamie was damaged, that was true, but all he wanted was just to be fixed. To feel whole again. Even though he didn't deserve it.

"I don't deserve you," he sobbed, clinging to Sam despite what he'd just said.

Jamie felt the press a kiss to the top of his head. "You deserve everything, Jamie. The universe and more. D'you know how  _proud_ I am? That you've made it. That you've made it through so much pain. I'm proud of you for still being here, Jamie. And I'll never leave you. I swear."

A part of Jamie wanted to call his friend, _his lover_ , a liar. But Sam wouldn't lie. Sam would never lie. So Jamie sobbed. He cried, and he let Sam hold him, rub his back.

Eventually, he quietened down. Inside of him, it just felt empty. Jamie felt like the ghost of a man. An empty shell on a beach, waiting to be stepped on and crushed. A huge chunk of  _Bucky_ had been ripped out when Steve stepped onto that platform and returned five seconds later as an old man. He had watched as Sam approach Steve, his childhood best friend, the man he had _loved_ since before he understood what love was, and he had remembered when he told Steve that he wasn't worth it, he wasn't worth Steve losing his new family for. And at that moment, he knew he was never worth anything, that no matter how many times he lost Steve, no matter how many times Bucky sacrificed himself and fought Steve's battles. Then  _Bucky_ died. 

So Jamie was born. And it was Jamie that allowed Sam to hold him close and whisper words of affection and kindness into his ear.

It was Jamie that pressed a kiss to the side of Sam's neck and mumbled, "I'm sorry."

Sam shook his head. "It's okay, Jamie. You know it is. I won't leave you."

 

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading<3
> 
> PLEASE share your thoughts and opinions in the comments! Constructive criticism and feedback is what I live for!!
> 
> We can all agree that Bucky deserved better, but I think Sam is gonna be there for him. I love them so much.


End file.
